My terrible Premier League predictions

With the Premier League 22/23 season kicking off tomorrow night, it’s time for my annual, terrible Premier League predictions. No matter how hard I try to set my biases aside, the two Manchester clubs and Everton always end up in the relegation zone with Liverpool first, on 114 points- I can’t understand why. On a serious note, as hard as it is to predict the league table precisely, there is always a  guarantee is that there will be at least a few stinkers. It’s all about trying to balance the obvious placements and the shocks that no one saw coming. 

20: Brentford 

Starting off with what many would describe as a surprise if it did happen, I feel (and fear, because I’m fond of Brentford) that they will suffer a similar fate to that of Sheffield United and Huddersfield Town a few years back. That is, a syndrome of a first season bounce for a club that hasn’t promoted to the top flight for a long time, only to come crashing down a year later. Leeds United came very close to this same fate last year, escaping relegation on the last day of the season. The Bees free signings of Thomas Strakosha and Ben Mee are smart, but I don’t feel their additions match the calibre of other clubs rivalling Brentford for survival. 

19: Bournemouth

Perhaps the most “obvious” side to tip for relegation alongside Fulham, this is one of my safety predictions. Bournemouth have only made three signings, two of which are free- Marcus Tavernier is a good buy and was impressive in Middlesbrough’s cup run last year. He will complement their attacking potency, but the quality of their defence and goalkeeper, I feel, isn’t good enough to keep them up. 

18: Southampton 

The Saints have been a steady premier league club for almost ten years now, with their only major scare coming in the 17/18 season, where they were three points off the relegation zone. I feel that they will have a similar season to five years ago, except this time, they will drop into 18th. They had an awful second half of last season- they got trounced 4-1 by Leicester, 3-0 by Brentford, 6-0 by Chelsea, and 4-0 by Aston Villa. They also only won one league game after February, which was a 1-0 win over Arsenal, when everybody was beating Arsenal. Joe Aribo is a very good signing, and if they are to stay up, he will be a key influence. Armando Broja was a key player for them last season, but he has gone back to Chelsea.

17: Fulham 

The running joke that Fulham and Norwich constantly yo-yo between the premier league and the championship is getting tiresome- but it is also a joke that raises a very valid point. However, this year I’m going bold and predicting that they will remain in the top flight. A large proportion of the team that got relegated two seasons ago has been moved on. This is a new Fulham side, albeit the departed Fabio Carvalho will be a huge miss. An integral element to any club fighting relegation is a good goalkeeper- and Fulham have that with their new signing Bernd Leno. 

16: Everton 

Originally, I had the Toffees going down. I don’t rate Frank Lampard as a manager, and I think he will get sacked- but I also think that will save their season. The biggest concern with Everton is their lack of threat going forward- the shithouse Richarlison, who kept them up last season, has gone to Spurs, and the unreliable (in terms of availability) Dominic Calvert-Lewin is already injured. Everton need a striker. Their new signing Dwight McNeil lacks goals, as does the inconsistent Iwobi. It looks bleak for Everton, but I just can’t see them going down, as much as I would like it. They can be a very tough side to beat when they have the home crowd behind them, and that’s what I feel will give them the edge. 

15: Nottingham Forest 

A remarkable 13 signings. I never find this to be a good approach- the time it takes for essentially an entirely new squad to adapt and to bond as a team can prove costly. The reason I’m putting Forest up at 15th and not in the drop zone, is because of that aforementioned promotion bounce, and because amongst the mega pile of new players they’ve brought in, there are some strong signings, namely Dean Henderson (loan), Taiwo Awoniyi, Omar Richards, Neco Williams, and of course, Jesse Lingard. I think they will have a poor start to the season, but their quality will be enough to keep them up towards the end of the season. 

14: Leeds United 

As mentioned, Leeds survived by the skin of their teeth last year. I don’t think it will be much different this season, with key players Raphinha and Kalvin Phillips departing. However, they have addressed these deficiencies, with their likeable American coach signing American youngsters Tyler Adams and Brendan Aaronson- they are talented players, the former a defensive midfielder and the latter a winger. It also shouldn’t be forgotten that Joe Gelhardt is showing signs of developing into a very talented player; he scored several important goals towards the end of last season. It also shouldn’t be forgotten that Leeds were very unlucky with injuries. They didn’t have Phillips and they survived, and their star striker Patrick Bamford missed the whole of the campaign.

13: Wolves 

Wolves used to be one of the most exciting teams in the league, but their new manager Bruno Lage prefers a more pragmatic approach. He has improved Wolves defensively, with them stringing several clean sheets together last season, but they have struggled in the goal-scoring department. They scored fewer goals than any team that wasn’t in the relegation zone, and they haven’t brought anyone in to address that issue, so I can only see them dropping down a few places, although not dramatically. 

12: Leicester City 

After a disappointing campaign last year, Leicester have bought absolutely no one- the only premier league club not to have made any acquisitions. I said I don’t like it when clubs buy loads of players in one window, but I also think a club should be bringing players in after a poor season, albeit the Foxes were hindered by injuries, especially defensively. This is a tricky one because it looks as though James Maddison and Wesley Fofana might be heading for the exit door- in which case, I would put Leicester city down a few places. Schmeichel has gone- is Danny Ward good enough to replace him? Will Jamie Vardy sustain his high levels without injuries as he gets older? As it stands, I’ll put Leicester down for an average season. But if I was a fan, I would certainly be concerned. 

11: Crystal Palace 

The Eagles haven’t made any huge signings, but I did feel last season that they could do with strengthening the full back area, which they have done by signing Chris Richards from Bayern Munich. However, Connor Gallagher was an integral part of their team last season and he has gone back to Chelsea. I rate Patrick Vieira as a manager, and Michael Olise looks like a hugely talented player. I was impressed when Liverpool played them at Selhurst park- they created many chances. In fact, they did at Anfield too. So, I think Palace have every chance of improving their league position.

10: Aston Villa 

Steven Gerrard has a talented squad at his disposal which should be attaining at least a mid table finish. They have a good goalkeeper, a mixture of flair and steel in midfield, and goal-scorers in Danny Ings and Ollie Watkins. The question mark is the defence- it seems that understandably, Gerrard is not a fan of Tyrone Mings, who was stripped of the captaincy, and Gerrard has brought in Diego Carlos, as well as Boubacar Kamara (who can cover as a defender) to try and sure things up at the back. I think the Villans will have a solid season. 

9: Newcastle United 

Newcastle were one of the best performing teams in the league after Eddie Howe came in, aided by the positive bounce of their new rich owners. I like the Sven Botman and Nick Pope signings; Newcastle generally got pummelled by the big teams last season, which is unsurprising given the quality of their players at the back. These signings should help improve that. I still think they lack quality going forward- I’m not convinced by Chris Wood, and everyone knows what Callum Wilson’s injury record is like. For that reason, I feel it’s too soon to be putting them in a European spot. 

8: West Ham 

David Moyes’ side had a very impressive campaign last season, mounting a top four challenge for the majority of the season as well as progressing far in the Europa League.  They were one of only two teams to beat Liverpool in the Premier League, and they thoroughly deserved that victory. They also deserved at least a point at Anfield. They’ve crucially kept hold of Declan Rice, but in all honesty, I’ve never heard of the players they’ve brought in. They’ve spent relatively big on a new forward and a new defender, both of which I feel are necessary improvements- Michail Antonio is not clinical enough to be their main striker. In fact, clinical finishing seems to be their main issue. Whether Gianluca Scamacca can improve that, with 8 goals at Genoa last season, is a big question. West Ham fell off a bit at the end of last season; they lost five of their last ten games, only winning three (including a dead rubber against Norwich). They may well finish in a European spot, but with the conference league on the side and their unconvincing signings, I’m putting them just outside. 

7: Brighton 

Perhaps my most out there prediction, the Seagulls surprised everyone last season with a 9th place finish and some very impressive performances. They deserved three points rather than one at Anfield, drew at Chelsea, they whacked Man United 4-0, and they beat Spurs and Arsenal away. They’ve got the big game mentality- what brought their points tally down was a run of poor form from around January to March, but they also showed signs of a team with a lot of potential. They’re exciting, and Graham Potter is a very good manager. I’ve never heard of his new signings, but I’d never heard of his signings that are now players in high demand, eg Marc Cucurella, who is on his way out, and Yves Bissouma, who’s already gone to Spurs. This will weaken Brighton, but I still think they are growing into a side of real quality and they will show that this season. 

6: Manchester United

As we get into the traditional top six, I think even Manchester United fans will admit that this is probably a realistic prediction given the current state of their club. I like Erik Ten Haag and I think he is instilling some much needed discipline into the side. However, the controversy surrounding their friendly with Rayo Vallecano, where players left before the match had finished, shows that there is still a lot of work to be done. One of those players was Cristiano Ronaldo, who is only adding to the difficulties that Ten Haag faces. He is trying to strengthen the defence with players he trusts from Ajax- bringing players in from your old club is never something I’m a fan of but it could work here, as they are talented footballers. While I’m not predicting that United will improve in terms of their position, I am predicting that they will improve in terms of their performances. However, there’s too much mess at that club right now for them to attain a top four finish. Ten Haag may well be able to turn the club around, but it will take time, and I don’t think they are ready yet. 

5: Chelsea 

The old me would have predicted Chelsea to finish in the top four, because it’s the obvious thing to say. But the Premier League is rarely as simple as that- something is just nagging me that one change will be made to the top four from last year, and this is what I’m going for. Losing rudiger is a big blow- they have essentially replaced him with Kalidou Koulibaly but he is clunkier, less comfortable on the ball and will need time to bed in. Romelu Lukaku has gone out on loan, Timo Werner still can’t be considered a reliable finisher, and nor can their new signing Raheem Sterling. They had a few dodgy results at the end of last season (yes, so did Arsenal, and we’ll get to them) and this prediction is most likely to make me look like a fool, with Chelsea even being part of the title race for a fair part of last season. But I feel Chelsea will struggle at the start of the season, and then fail to recover in time to get into the top four. 

4: Arsenal 

Yes, the team that used to made fun of for finishing fourth every year would now be delighted to see even a clueless mug like me predicting them to finish fourth. I’m yet to watch the Arsenal documentary on Prime, but the timing of their improved form indicates that Aubameyang was stinking the place out. Contrary to what Piers Morgan bangs on about because he used to take selfies with the Gabonese forward, Arsenal are better off without him. He’s a good player, prospering at Barcelona, but it’s clear that there were tensions that were affecting his form and in turn, the teams form. Arsenal were in pole position to finish top four, but huge misses from Alexandre Lacazette (who’s now gone) cost them key points. They were also extremely unlucky with refereeing decisions, especially in the key match against Spurs away. I like Arsenal’s business- Gabriel Jesus and Oleksandr Zinchenko are strong signings, and young talents like Bukayo Saka and Emile Smith-Rowe will continue to blossom. I think they still desperately need a reliable centre back, and they made a mistake selling Leno and keeping Ramsdale. I think the German is the superior goalkeeper. However, I like the look of Arsenal, and I feel that if they can improve slightly on last season, with a bit more luck, they will edge into a top four spot.

3: Tottenham Hotspur 

I think Tottenham’s business this summer is up there with the best out of all the Premier League clubs. I think they overpaid massively for Richarlison- but I get it. I get why Antonio Conte has brought him in- Jose Mourinho used to go on endlessly about how the team was too nice, and how the only player with any bite was Eric Dier. Hence, Conte has brought in the biggest shithouse in the league. The Italian manager has brought Richarlison in to become what Diego Costa was for him when he was at Chelsea. Simultaneously, the pigeon head is replacing Steven Bergwijn as an attacking option, but he’s certainly not £50million worth of talent. Bissouma will add some much needed steel and quality to the midfield, Djed Spence has a lot of potential, and I expect Clement Lenglet will take Ben Davies’ position in the back line, which can certainly be considered an improvement. Ivan Perisic on a free is great business. It’s looking good for Spurs, I think they’re heading in the right direction and I think they may well win a domestic trophy next season.

2: Manchester City 

Almost everyone will have Liverpool and Manchester City as their top two, with the clubs miles ahead of everyone else in their two horse race last season, which went to the wire on the last day. Honestly, I think there is nothing to separate these two sides in terms of quality now, and there wasn’t last season. They’re as good as each other and it really is impossible to separate the two. Have I put City second to Liverpool because of who I support? Probably! But I will add that I think Manchester City’s European Cup curse will end this season. That’s right, I think they will win the Champions League. But, I also think Liverpool win the Premier League. It goes without saying, that Erling Haaland is a fantastic signing and he will score a lot of goals. However, he does have a bad injury record- this is one of the many variables that the title could hinge on. Kalvin Phillips provides great cover in the number six position. I don’t think their departures will significantly hurt them, unless Bernardo Silva leaves, as rumoured. It should not be forgotten, that City very nearly threw the title away against Villa last season. I’m convinced that had Emiliano Martinez played instead of Robin Olsen that day, the title would have gone to Anfield. I predict it will be the same as last season; it will go to the last game of the season, but this time, the Reds will just edge it. 

1: Liverpool 

Liverpool proved the vast majority of pundits wrong last season- most had United to finish ahead of them, many didn’t put them in the top two, and the likes of Jermaine Beckford didn’t even have them in the top four. Gary Neville hinted that things were starting to fall apart for Jurgen Klopp. Ultimately, it will be remembered as the season that could have been so much more, despite a memorable cup double. The players looked exhausted by the end of the campaign, especially their talisman Mohamed Salah who looked deflated after the African Cup of Nations. Had he sustained the form he had pre-tournament, Liverpool almost definitely would have won the league. This season, he will be able to rest during the World Cup. Virgil van Dijk understandably took a few months to get back to his usual self after a career threatening injury- these are all ifs buts and maybes, but they can be used to logically predict what may happen next season.

Darwin Nunez brings something new to the table- if he can stay fit and adjust to the Premier League quickly, he will be crucial in Liverpool’s charge for the title. The biggest concern for Liverpool is the loss of Sadio Mane, who was arguably, looking at the season as a whole, Liverpool’s best player last season. He’s gone, and so are Divock Origi and Takumi Minamino, who chimed in with crucial goals. That might hurt- but I feel as though the signing of Fabio Carvalho is underestimated; he certainly has a Phillipe Coutinho feel about him. Luis Diaz had a fantastic impact on the team last season, but one criticism could be his lack of end product. Again, that could come as he further adjusts his game to suit premier league football. 

Overall, that top two battle consists of too many unpredictable variables for one to form a confident prediction. I had Manchester City to win the league last season, and I was actually surprised as to how close Liverpool came in the end. This year, I just get the feeling that the Reds will edge it, but as the title of this article states, these are my terrible Premier League predictions. Enjoy the season folks!